I have probably four main events in my lifespan that have shaped the person I am today. Being born, going to school, killing that guy, starting college. Those are the basics. I can now add another item to that list: seeing The Dark Knight Rises. Holy mother of God; that was a great movie. Is there anyone out there that doesn’t like Batman? If so, let them speak now, and forever be hunted by Batman. What’s not to like? He’s a rich orphan that saves the world and donates frequently to charity. Everybody loves Batman.
The only questionable thing in the Batman universe is Robin. A lot of people hate Robin. He’s effeminate, he’s lame, he frequently gets his ass kicked. I personally like Robin. Why? Because I could be Robin. Any of us could be Robin. It is so pathetically easy being Robin. Do you know how many of us could be Batman? Like 1 out of every 3 billion people. Tom Brady, the Asian guy that eats all those hot dogs, and one other guy. Bear Grylls maybe, if he ever stops drinking his piss. Those are humanity's options for Batman. The Robin position is open to anyone under 40 with low cholesterol. Batman doesn’t even have to recruit you. You just walk up to him and say, “I’m Robin now.” And he says, “You are?” and you say “Yes.” And he says, “Alright.” And then he gives you green underwear and a red vest and you put them on in front of him and he nods and you’re uncomfortable but you don’t say anything and that’s that.
Robin has two jobs: getting the dry cleaning done and not dying. For this, he gets to live in a mansion and have a butler and do all the gymnastics he wants. If there’s a better example of the American dream than Robin, you let me know. Batman, if you’re out there and looking for a new Robin to do gymnastics with, I’m ready. Really, I’d be the perfect Robin.
My vertical leap is four inches. My main fighting technique is running away. I fold under pressure. I can’t keep secrets. When I get nervous, I cry. Criminals are going to see you next to me, and they’re going to think you’re a god because I’m going to look terrible in my Robin suit. That means less crime.
Reason 1: I’m going to make you look good.
I’ve had plenty of friends remark on how unmotivated I am. I’m really not looking to be the big dawg, you know? Too much pressure. I’m not gonna be that guy that’s showing you up during missions, saving the day and rescuing the burning bus of orphan kids. That’s so not me. If it’s between saving a burning bus of kids and saving a hot babe, 9 times out of 10 I’m going for neither and just sitting down, maybe eating some pudding or something. Rescuing people sounds exhausting. You get to save the day, don’t worry about that.
Reason 2: You don’t have to worry about me vying for power.
All the other heroes suck. Batman is gritty and dark and real; like me. Also, as I mentioned before, Batman comes with the added benefits of the mansion, butler, and gymnastics. He probably has HBO. And I bet Batman knows somebody that could take a look at some of my moles, too. Bruce Wayne definitely has stellar health care.
Reason 3: You don’t have to worry about me leaving you for another hero.
Who else would I even sidekick for? Aquaman? Doesn’t he already have a sea turtle sidekick or a porpoise or something? And what does Aquaman even do? Maybe like once every 15 months there’s some high profile ocean crime. The rest of the time he’s just sitting underwater, watching Franklin and Bash or whatever douchebag show he’s into, living off our tax dollars. That’s not something I’m interested in.
I will admit, the Avengers are cool. That was a good movie too. But the Avengers don’t need my help. There are like 50 Avengers. The Avengers have more members than my high school graduating class. And when you put Batman next to the Avengers, there’s no contest. The movies aren’t even the same genre. It’s not like comparing apples and oranges. It’s like comparing platinum and diarrhea. Don’t compare them.
I’m not saying the Avengers was diarrhea, it’s just an analogy, okay? Everybody calm down. The other heroes just don’t fit my badass needs. They aren’t real enough. Batman is so real; he’s made everything get a gritty Batman-esque remake. So in a way, Batman’s the cause of a lot of terrible movies. Things that shouldn’t be badass are suddenly attempting to be badass.
Batman really just makes every other hero look bad. Their attitudes are all wrong. Oh, that’s what you’re gonna do? Tell jokes? Have light-hearted joke breaks while saving the world? Okay. Okay, Ironman, go ahead and tell your jokes. Yeah, laugh it up, Spiderman, you mutant dirtbag. Oh, you’re gonna fight a space lizard? Cool. No, no, don’t let Batman distract you, he’ll just be over here stopping a homicidal comedian that murders people for sport and an insane ninja on steroids with a broken face that blows up a city. Enjoy your alligator scientist guy that wears pants though, he sounds terrifying.
Go see The Dark Knight Rises.