Sunday, October 13, 2013

Coming Soon: New Things

Hey everyone.

I'm in the process of designing a new site to house the ongoing project that is Underwater Breeding Apparatus.

Some problems I'm running into right now:

1. I don't know what HTML is
2. Forgot how to draw
3. Trouble breathing in all the way sometimes (not related to site)

Everything will be sorted out shortly and we'll get back to that ol' win-win formula where I make stuff for free and you look at it.

Stay tuned.

- Max

Monday, February 18, 2013

Merry Presidents Day!

Wake up boys and girls, it’s Presidents day! By far the best J.C. Penny’s sale day of the calendar year, Presidents day is a holiday meant for us to get together with friends and family and drink excessively. Also, learn about the Presidents or whatever. This year, I’m taking it as my civic duty to teach others about the great leaders of my nation. Note: I have done no research whatsoever.

George Washington: George Washington was our first President. He didn’t have teeth, and was a hero in the revolutionary war. As stories go, he stood somewhere between five and eleven feet tall, and ate the young of his enemies. He once famously crossed a river in a boat.

John Adams: Played by Paul Giamatti, our second President had a tough act to follow in ol’ George “I literally formed the country” Washington. I don’t know that he did anything particularly great, and if he did, so what. America was like 60 people and a family of farm cats back then. Anybody could do his job.

Thomas Jefferson: Writer of the Declaration of Independence and inventor of the coat hanger, macaroni and cheese, and probably the telephone or something, Thomas Jefferson is probably one of our smarter Presidents. He enjoyed writing about nature, inventing various pasta dishes, and not having friends.

James Madison: known as the first “forgettable” President, Madison ruled over the land during the war of 1812, in which the White House was burned to the ground. As far as being President goes, you really have one fundamental job- not allowing the White House to burn to the ground. And Madison allowed the White House to be burned to the ground. Thus is his legacy.

James Monroe: His name was James, he accomplished nothing.

John Quincy Adams: known for being less fat and more bald than his uncle, our sixth President invented bowling and sideburns.

Andrew Jackson: Ruled over America when we were at the height of our “Let’s see if we can legitimately kill every single buffalo” phase. He hated Native Americans, is on the twenty dollar bill, and founded an indie rock band that continues successfully to this day.

Martin Van Buren: At two and a half feet tall, Van Buren is known as the President most resembling a sad and dying party clown.

William Henry Harrison: President for only a single month, Harrison died of a runny nose or a mild case of diarrhea, as people tended to do back then.

John Tyler: The President “least likely to be recognized at his own birthday party, John Tyler fathered roughly 36 children, and used his executive power to enforce bizarre laws like “No more bees,” “Nobody is allowed to eat Indian food anymore,” and “The Patriot Act”

James K. Polk: Man, we really had a train of old boring white guys for a few hundred years there, huh?

Zachary Taylor: Zach Taylor is known as the only president with a name that sounds like the bully in an early 90’s movie.

Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, and James Buchanan: These three hell raisers, along with their adopted Korean half brother, Toby, ran the executive branch as a foursome. They slept in bunk beds in the Oval Office and frequently stayed up late watching cartoons. While fun for - as one historian put it - “about four hours,” this plan was horrible in both theory and in practice, as it led to the Civil War- one of the bloodiest in American history.

Abraham Lincoln:  His popular quotes, “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends” and “If you want to test a man's character, give him power” prove him to be “the President you will most likely regret getting coffee with.”

Andrew Johnson: As President, Johnson was once forgotten by his cabinet members during a trip to an amusement park.

Ulysses S. Grant: He looks exactly like my Uncle Ray. If they’re anything alike, he enjoys my grandmother’s meatballs and shouting at the television when the Eagles play.

Rutherford B. Hayes, James Garfield, Garfield McKinley Chester, Chester Arthur, Grover Chester Cleveland, Cleveland Chester Grover, and Benjamin McKinley Grover Garfield: For about 30 years in the late nineteenth century, nobody was sure who the President was.

Theodore Roosevelt: Teddy Roosevelt is the President mostly likely to murder a man in daylight at a public place. He owned a bear, and carried a large stick at all times, which he would use to viciously attack any passerby who made the mistake of looking him in the eyes.

William Howard Taft: Favorite food: butter.

Woodrow Wilson: Hated smiling.

Warren G. Harding: Refused to eat anything except chicken nuggets.

Calvin Coolidge: Led a bobsled team of Jamaicans in the 1924 winter Olympics. They did not advance to the semifinals.

Herbert Hoover: Known by the public as “President Sad Eyes”, Hoover’s favorite pastime was crying in the bathtub.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: President for 45 years, FDR enjoyed ice cream and hating his wife.

Harry S. Truman: Beloved winner of Survivor Sri Lanka.

Dwight Eisenhower: The public park in Long Island, New York named in his honor continues his legacy by being a wonderful place for your toddler to poop on the swings or get stung by a swarm of Africanized hornets.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy: He was president during the Bay of Pigs, an event consistently glossed over throughout my history education, but probably not too far from how it sounds.

Lyndon Baines Johnson: Never once took his kids to Disney World.

Richard Nixon: Probably a robot.

Gerald R. Ford, Jimmy Carter: Long rumored to be the same man- New Jersey con artist Jack Levy- just with his hair parted in a different direction.

Ronald Reagan: His economic policy, dubbed Reaganomics, is the preferred cure for both Tuberculosis and Scabies.

George H.W. Bush: The President before Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton: The survivor of roughly eleven heart attacks during his two term presidency, Bill Clinton’s time as Chief of State inspired many questions, such as “does he have eyebrows?” and “no seriously, I really don’t think he has eyebrows.”

George W. Bush: Fluent in fifteen languages, George W. Bush did a great job at making the Texas Rangers a viable threat in the American league west division.

Barack Obama: Scientologist. Fan of Beyoncé.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Let me be your Space Captain, please.

The non profit venture “Mars one” is sending people to Mars in 2023 to start a human colony. Here’s the exciting part: anyone can apply and you don’t have to be qualified at all. This is literally the perfect (only) chance I have to fulfill my lifelong dream of being historically important. Note to whoever decides these things, please consider this my application for space captain.

Space Captain Hiring Coordinator
Mars One
The Internet

Dear Hiring Coordinator:

I know that this is the ninth application you will have received from me, and from the growing violence in your rejection letters, I can see that you are not as excited about the possibilities of our working together as I am. But I need this. So I will continue to apply until I am given a fair shot.

It is with great interest that I write to you (again) in regards to the position of space captain on the Mars One vessel. I know what you’re thinking: “That position does not exist.” I understand that, and I certainly trust your judgment. That being said, your judgment is dead wrong and you are stupid.  The Mars One vessel, like all vessels, needs a captain. Someone who can sit in a big chair and wear an adult onesie and speak almost entirely in metaphors.

Why me? Because I’m passionate, and I care about science. Off the top of my head, some of my favorite science: cloning, tides, one a day vitacraves, the roomba. The list goes on and on.

Aside from my love of science, I believe my resume and reference letters prove me more than worthy for this position. Have the experience and skills portions been stretched, or -as some would say- entirely fabricated? Possibly. But if you’re such sticklers for integrity, maybe I don’t want to work for you. Sure, I might not be as proficient in WordPress as I’ve made myself out to be. And perhaps I wasn’t technically a “Three-term United States senator” or “the starting quarterback for the Buffalo Bills”. And maybe my reference letters from Buzz Aldrin and Hernán Cortés are “filled with punctuation errors and historical inaccuracies,” but does that alone ruin my chances of fulfilling my destiny?

Now, if I really want this – which I do – I have to be completely honest. There are a lot of things on the application requirement list that I do not satisfy whatsoever. You’ve already mentioned your suspicions about this fact in your cease and desist letters, and I should have just come clean. I feel like it’s best to just get some of these out of the way now, and then hopefully you’ll appreciate my honesty and we can get to the discussion of vacation days.

·      I have no plans to stop at or land on Mars
·      I don’t do well in small spaces
·      I’m a terrible problem solver
·      Teachers have referred to my ability to work in groups as “concerningly bad”
·      I forget all the math and science I learned in high school
·      I get frequent, daylong nosebleeds
·      I don’t believe in evolution or monkeys
·      I have 11 different paid horoscope apps on my HTC Evo
·      I would not consider myself to be a “clean” person
·      I would not consider myself to be a “friendly” person
·      I would not consider myself to be an “ideal” candidate for this position
·      I belong to four militias

If any of those present a problem, please reconsider. Instead of looking at them as “cons” or “red flags” or “examples of psychopathic tendencies”, think of them more as “a list of arbitrary things that are written in my cover letter”. You really need to get to know me in person to understand where I’m coming from and why I’m perfect for this job that does not exist.

I really do look forward to our interview, and if you could just be prepared to answer a few of these questions for me, it’d go a long way to making this a smooth transition into my space captainship.

1. How do rockets fly?
2. Where does space end?
3. How much do you make in a year?
4. What if I go through a black hole? Will I travel through time? What do I do if I travel through time?

Can’t wait to hear back from you guys. Thanks for being so cool about this.
One Love,
Max Knoblauch

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Hey Storm, Come Here, I’m Gonna Punch You Right in the Clouds: An Open Challenge to Hurricanes Everywhere

As a student on Long Island during the onslaught of Hurricane Sandy, I’ve had mixed feelings about the whole situation. On one hand: no school for a week! On the other hand: no gasoline or drinking water! So after some meditation on the subject, I’ve decided that on the whole, I’m anti-hurricanes. So anti-hurricanes, in fact, that if given a chance, I’d like to fight one.

I know what you’re thinking. “Max, that’s crazy.”
Is it though?
So crazy it just might work.
“Nope. Won’t work.”
Well let’s agree to disagree. I’m doing it. So without further ado:

My open challenge to Sandy, and hurricanes everywhere:

Hey, storm. Yeah, you. Who do you think you are, coming to my town, uprooting my trees, turning off my power? Why don’t you come back here, I’ll show you what we do to storms like you.

First things first, I know you think you won this one. You think causing 50 billion dollars of damage and shutting the power off for about 10 million people is winning. You’re thinking “That was my goal, and I did it, so I won.” Well guess what, douchebag?

…You’re probably right. I’m almost positive that you won. The general consensus around here seems to be that you handily kicked our ass. I mean, nobody has gas, the public transportation system is useless, there was that crazy thing with the crane in NYC; you pretty convincingly won this round.

But I have a proposition for you, Sandy, you fat tropical storm hooker: Why don’t you turn around and come on back here, cause I’m gonna punch you right in the clouds.

That’s right. You heard me. Maybe I wasn’t prepared that first time around. Maybe most of us weren’t quite ready for you to come and rip up our yards and break our windows and knock over the Statue of Liberty (can’t confirm; haven’t watched the news). But this time, we’re ready. I’ve got my punching pants on, and I’m gonna lay into you, Sandy.

You think you’re the Real McCoy, but you don’t know from nothin’, see? You’re nothin’ but a jalopy; a lollygagger; a real bug-eyed Betty type’a dame who can’t mind her potatoes. You deserve everything you’ve got coming to you.

Next time you come around, I’m gonna grab you by the rain bands and give you a good one-two, right in the eye, you frankenstorm dirtbag.

This next time, I won’t just sit in my room eating a family sized bucket of Swedish fish, gently weeping as my phones service bars diminish into nothingness. No. This next time, I’m coming out after you, Sandy. I’m coming out there, naked, strapped in a jetpack and carrying a sawed-off shotgun. And we’re going to duel like the wild animals we are, into the wee hours of the morning. In short, Sandy: I’m going to smash your face in.

What’s wrong Sandy, you scared? Scared of a little one on one with the big dawg? You should be.

I’m down to tangle whenever you are, Sandy. Whenever you’re ready, just come on back, have a go at the title. Except not this weekend. This weekend isn’t good for me.